I saw this on the times website today, and shall edit it with my own comments in blue. I thought my first attempt at a post should at least be entertaining.

Spy suspect Daniel James says he used voodoo to protect general

Giving evidence for the first time at his trial, Corporal Daniel James, who is charged under the 1911 Official Secrets Act, said he had been trained as a voodoo priest on one of his many trips to Cuba and told the jury: “Black magic is not bad.”Really? Then why is it called ‘black’ magic, then? Is this some form of racism that Daniel James is claiming? Further, it might very well be the case that there are some people who still practice voodoo in Cuba -some lost spot out in the wilds where the ignorant still dwell. On the other hand, there are people in Swindon who believe that crystals are sensitive to the sex of unborn children. I’ve been to Cuba, they have engineers too. “I’ve been to Cuba a lot” means nothing. He might has well have said ‘I was trained by my uncle Geoff, who’s seen a lot of movies, you know’. 

His boss was General Sir David Richards, who in 2006 was commander of the Nato International Security Assistance Force (Isaf). Corporal James, who was in the Territorial Army, was the general’s principal interpreter and attended meetings with him with senior members of the Afghan Government. Which, for a madman, is quite a good job.

Under questioning by Colin Nicholls, QC, his defence counsel, Corporal James said he “quite liked” General Richards and used black magic on his behalf, although he emphasised that this was something he carried out without the general needing to be present. Presumably beacause, if he had been, he’d have laughed his ass off and ruined the mood. Plus, he performed black magic rituals for someone he ‘quite liked’. If he’d loved the general, he’d have probably had to dedicate the slaughter of a child. I think he’s probably flaying a goat right now for his lawyer. 

For his voodoo rituals he used a combination of seashells, dust, Tarot cards and candles, and had a picture of General Richards. So then, the traditional materials – any old rubbish he could lay his hands on that seemed vaguely mystical. Apart for the seashells, obviously.

Corporal James, 45, has pleaded not guilty to two charges of communicating information and collecting documents useful to an enemy, and one of wilful misconduct in public office. In all fairness, though, I don’t think we can really believe anything he says. I’m not saying he’s a liar, just that his opinion on anything is likely to be at odds with what actually occurred.

The jury was told that he had been a salsa dance instructor, bodybuilder, champion power-lifter, an expert in kickboxing, a nightclub doorman and a croupier. I have to admit that this sentence makes me regret my former comments a little. Salsa dancers are scary.

 He said that he had been talent-spotted by Jonathan Ross and appeared on television in the 1980s. He owned a club in Brighton and liked to be known as “Danny James, King of Salsa”. And now I feel better. This person does not exist. The salsa dancing kickboxing voodoo translator of Kabul? This man, if he exists, proves the theory of the multiverse. They are trying a phantom based on the musings of a ten-year-old novelist.

One of nine children of affluent parents, Corporal James was born in Tehran as Esmail Mohammed Beigi Gamasai and came to live in Britain when he was 15, attending boarding school in Rottingdean, East Sussex.

He told the court that his job with General Richards was only a “tiny part” of what he did in Kabul. His other activities included organising salsa lessons, Spanish classes, volleyball, football, cricket and women’s football. And other hobbies. Like casting spells on people and making zombies.

Before he began interpreting for the general, Corporal James worked for a British colonel at an American camp in Kabul, helping to train the Afghan military. He said he thought that Americans were “fantastic people”. “They are loud and funny, like me,” he said. Worry, America.

The prosecution has claimed that he sent e-mail messages and made telephone calls to a Colonel Mohammad Heydari, a military assistant at the Iranian Embassy in Kabul. The Old Bailey has also heard that when he was arrested at RAF Brize Norton in Oxfordshire in December 2006, on his way back to Afghanistan after a two-week break, police found in his bag a USB memory stick which, among other things, contained copies of two Nato-confidential military “situation reports”. In all fairness to the King of Salsa, finding secure information on a USB stick in this country can be as simple as buying one from E-Bay.

In written evidence, a British intelligence colonel, identified only as M, said that Corporal James had no right to possess such documents and that it was a “matter of serious concern”. He said that the e-mails that Corporal James sent to the Iranian military assistant, although not damaging in themselves, indicated a situation in which an espionage informant was communicating with a handler and that there was the potential for the interpreter to be “tasked” by the Iranian to obtain confidential material. That could have put British lives at risk and threatened national security, he said. Re-read that. A british intelligence colonel called ‘M’? Seriously? If the trial doesn’t go his way are you going to send Bond in? 

The trial continues. I will watch avidly. OJs got nothing on this.

Just a final word - is the voodoo stuff some sort of calim of loyalty? If I was accused of fraud, but then said that I couldn’t have done it because I was so devoted to my boss that I actually you know, wished him well, it would be laughed out of court. Hopefully.