Rob the Gob

Weblog of the [very-nearly-a] writer Rob Burton

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Silly(ish) Tuesday

After the last post’s rather serious rantiness, I feel it is my duty to amuse once more. It’s G20 time again, and the protestors are out once more, with just as much to complain about as usual, plus a whole lot more. Firstly, my favourite are the anti-tax haven protestors. Quite rightly they point out that vast amounts of tax are being avoided by the rich, at least £250 Billion a year, in fact. Probably more, if we’re honest. That would be enough to fund… well, just about anything, really. And we are not talking about taking money here, just taxing earned money from interest payments. If you then add in the amount dodged in everyday life (far, far more money than benefit fraud accounts for), and you have a nice, neat solution to the credit crunch. Don’t increase tax, just make sure that people pay the tax they should.

In Australia (and thanks to Richard for this one), an deservedly eminent judge (and I mean that – seemingly an actually great man) has got caught for being a bad boy. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7967982.stm. What should have been a £36 traffic fine has ruined his life and reputation as he tried to lie his way out of it. And then to cover the lie, he lied a bit more. Then dug and dug and dug and dug… We all lie. Most of us lie a lot, here and there, sometimes just for the fun and thrill of it. Even the most preaching moralists amongst us are careful to phrase things to their own benefit, or fail to tell the whole truth with fair regularity. Which is way the amusement this story generates has a bitter aftertaste. Truth be told, the whole truth is rarely told, and if it were, our lives would be revealed for the vulgar public fictions and comforting self-deceptions they always are.

Thousands of lives could be saved by a ‘magic bullet’ pill. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-wellbeing/health-news/the-polypill-medicines-magic-bullet-1658027.html This little cocktail of drugs could save thousands of lives a year, halving strokes and heart attack rates. And it’ll be cheap – very cheap. And that’s the problem. All 5 of the components of the ‘polypill’ (a betablocker to regulate the heart, a couple of blood pressure drugs, an ACE inhibitor to relax arterial muscles, and good old aspirin to stop clots forming) are long past patent expiration; therefore, these polypills aren’t profitable for the drug companies to manufacture. Money is the only reason these companies do anything – we have arranged it this way. Do not think for one minute that they care about peoples health. A lesson here, perhaps? Cue a huge campaign to have it produced and administered, then some sort of hideous panic when cancer rates go up, and people panic and stop taking it regardless of evidence. The next thing revealed to give you cancer? Chemotherapy, probably.

I think I might publish a study that proves that dream catchers give you cancer.

Talking about taking on the big boys, which I wasn’t check this out: http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/music/news/spotify-declares-war-on-itunes-1658029.html. Spotify is something that was recommended to me recently by a friend, and… yep, as usual, I’ve played with it until I knew how to iuse it, then promptly forgot about it until today. I am well aware, however, that it is very good idea. Check it out, and screw iTunes – screw them and their proprietorial attitude towards the information and equipment you own. Don’t tell me they’re any better than Microsoft – they’re just better at convincing you that they are cool. And relax.

And finally:http://www.theregister.co.uk/2009/03/30/cow_fart_armageddon_thwarted_by_fish_oil/. Nice. I’ll have the guilt-free steak, please. To go with my carbon-offset magic tree petrol, my green car insurance and my carbon-compensated holiday. You know, if I try hard enough to ignore the fact that every single thing I do helps to bring on the inevitable ecological apocalypse regardless of my efforts, I might not feel very guilty at all.

Next time – look forward to why we are all doomed again, and why you don’t ‘deserve’ anything.

posted by admin at 11:01 am  

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Basefook

We are getting used to being watched. Indeed, it is held up as being desirable. Being famous for nothing but being constantly watched – and being constantly watched is all it means to be famous now – reached it high zenith this week as Jade Goody, possibly the greatest example of this, died, a strange hero. From the moment she wandered confusedly onto the screen in Big Brother to the point of death, without ever having a chance to fade into obscurity, she has summed up out obsession with recognition and fame. Plucked for no reason at all from the seething mass of us, her very limitations became her greatest assets, for if she could be revered, any of us could. A James Dean for the age of indiscriminate fame – ‘Club 27’s most puzzling, and most arbitrarily selected, member. My, my, hey, hey, etc. I hear there’s going to be film.

I’m not entirely sure that Jade enjoyed her fame, and I know that I would find that life unutterably intolerable. I fancy, in fact, that she sat uncomfortably beneath that lens, less a performer caught in a spotlight than an ant beneath a magnifying glass. It is those of us who recognise how awful Jades situation was that often blasted her cruelly. As usual, some are now hypocrites, praising her, others have fallen into silence, fearful to speak in the face of suffering and death. But death is inevitable, and we should recognise that always – speak about people only if you have the bravery to say those things as they die. Do not let death have that power. In both of these cases, the critics have been blinded to the point. Jades situation was not of her own making. You can like or dislike someone without wishing death and suffering on them, and you can hate a situation, hate a symbol, without hating the person. Especially if, like Jade, you have little control over it.

I never liked Jade as a person, from what little I knew of her. It does not matter. Even if I had adored her, I would have hated the role she played. A role not so much chosen, as it was accidentally acquired, and then made purposefully difficult for her to give up. By turns revolting and fascinating, dull and then compelling, sanitised and manipulated, and then sometimes utterly raw. But like all cultural phenomena, Jade was part of something much bigger. The story of our everyday lives becoming entertainment for others. She was one more thing that made us feel that there was nothing unusual about being constantly watched. That, in fact, we should be.

Myspace smelled a little like nothing but a chance for self-aggrandisement, a web-page designed for nothing more than a 24-7 promotion for me, me, me. It was the kind of thing I rolled my eyes at. How could I possibly be interested in what you are listening to right now, and how much you like statues of gothic fairies and Marvel’s Phoenix Saga? Many of my friends refused to join in. They couldn’t see the point. Some people got careers out of it, and then they started to see. Myspace was more than just narcissism, it could also be a rolling CV of self. It still seemed a little too Lilly Allen for some though.

But with  Facebook, it was all somehow more acceptable and less vulgar. Awfully this was because, in many cases, you had to be on Facebook for work reasons, or because you studied at a certain institution that used it for communication. Universal adaptation meant that it wasn’t just for  chavs,  narcissists, paedophiles, desperate social climbers and the trendy crowd. The horror I feel every time an image is tagged to me (internal narrative – ‘Oh god, how pissed was I? Who took this without my permission? What was I doing at the time? How long is going to take me to live this one down? Is this image going to haunt me forever?’) is thus massively overwhelmed by the fact that you are made to feel as if you are missing out if you don’t interact with it. If I’m honest, I think Facebook has actually cost me more in heartache than it’s brought me in joy. I am not the only one. Several of my friends have complained to me that Facebook is something they felt is forced upon them, and makes them horribly paranoid. You are not forced to interact with it, it is true, but it is damned difficult to avoid.

Then we have Twitter. Newer, less serious. Be ‘connected’ to people you actually have no connection with at all. Feel like you are part of their lives by monitoring their movements from moment to moment. I am so addicted to the News, believe it or not, that I can’t resist Twitter. It comes from constantly fretting about nuclear war as a child, I think. Most people realise, however, that the idea behind it is awful, it’s how it has been used and developed that makes it tolerable.

But it is stranger and deeper than we realise. Public displays of everyday life have changed and eroded our notions regarding privacy and personal growth. These networking sites (remember how much you hated the first person who told you they’d gone to university to ‘network’? At first I didn’t even know what they meant, then, when I found out, I wanted to mince them down to feed to people who would have valued the chance at a decent education for itself. What awful people. I still hate that term ‘networking’ – and it truly is the genealogical root of the thoughts that form Facebook, Myspace and Twitter), are not tools for us to use. They are the visible parts of a system that drives our actions for its own ends, a symptom of a malaise by which our existences are run by abstracted mechanisms. Mechanism that give us cause to do things in the way that religions or political and personal beliefs used to. At some point we stopped seeing travelling, partying and existing as ends in themselves, but as things to do to collect experiences, butterfly-like, and capture them in these giant electronic pinboards; as if life doesn’t happen, or even exist, unless it is recorded.

In this system, experiences are like exams, they exist only so that we can be seen to have done them. It is a system with universal available access points that you carry everywhere with you labelled ‘Blackberry’ or ‘Google’. Friends are hollow things, each merely a  nexus for possible career development.

This system is the most awful existence you can imagine. It is a paupers version of Jade Goodys life where we cannot each afford Max Clifford to organise it for us, but must do it ourselves, constantly terrified that we’re going to slip up and bring it all crashing down.

Also very much in the news this week – Google  Street  View. Remarkable to me not for its disregard for privacy, but for its utter, total, and all-consuming pointlessness. Incredibly expensive and wasteful of time, and degrading and invasive as far as millions of people are concerned and… erm.. what does it do? Why would you want to use it? It has long been the case that you could look at places of interest around the world through Google Maps for years. Why do you want to look at council houses in Swansea? I think that it s just to attain a sense of completeness. All of the world must be pictured and recorded, integrated into one hugely efficient, hyper-real mechanism. A meaning machine. A reality engine.

A few weeks ago we had Google Latitude. Opt in, for now. I’m sure, a few years ago, Google Street  View would have had to be opt-in. I’m not sure that this will end until you can get a live camera giving you feed from any angle on any person at any time. Laugh and roll your eyes if you want to – then think about how easily we’ve come to accept photographs of us being distributed to all of our friends by others. Now the ownership of these can be contested by Facebook. Goggle  Street  View can already, I’m sure, be integrated with a GPS mapping service. I’m going to adopt the burkha.

But now this narcissistic information-vomiting festival has reached the start of its inevitable consequences. Now there are proposals to let the government use Facebook to monitor us for ‘suspicious behaviour’.

If you have nothing to hide, what are you worried about, right? These are counter-terrorism measures, after all. A prison officer was sacked recently for having criminal friends on Facebook… surely a good thing? Not in my opinion, no.

Firstly, I have enjoyed the anonymity I was born into. I hate this new feeling I have that everyone is watching me all the time. It’s like living in a village, and I’d hoped we’d never have to revert to that’s state. Secondly, I value freedom of speech. More than almost anything, actually. And part of freedom of speech is the ability to call Christian’s fascists if I want to, or scream ‘death to the west’ at the top of my lungs if I like. Or protest. Or politically agitate. Or be a member of the horrid BNP if I like, and make speeches on their behalf if I want to. Unless you’ve actually hurt somebody, I don’t see any reason why you should be monitored. I’d like to live in a free country if I can (which means that fairly soon, I’m going to have to move), without being monitored for no good reason. All that information being stacked up can only have one possible use – to be made to topple onto your head the second you make a mistake.

I am proud to say that almost everything I do or say is potentially suspicious. Anything worth doing or saying is. If you do something, and it isn’t at least potentially suspicious from the perspective of society or government, you are wasting your time. Break out your pinstripe grey suit, umbrella and bowler hat. Buy a four-by-four, have six children, get your wife the twin-set and pearls and go skiing once a year, because you, sir, yes you, are yet another of middle England’s fascist footsoldiers.  If you can’t see why your constant strangulation of this planet and its people to wring the last drop of resources and money into your greedy little mouth makes you a greater criminal than any teenage mugger; if you honestly think that you are moral simply because you blindly do as you are expected to; if you think that the protection of the wealth of the rich means that ever other person must be dehumanised to the point where we can bomb them for little more reason than to get us cheaper petrol; if you think that you know what is right for everybody, and that those that disagree or want to live differently should be punished; if you quietly shake your head with discomfort and disappointment whenever you see a man with long hair or a woman with a shaved head (just so long as they aren’t looking); and if you just want everyone to be nice – nice, and quiet… go ahead.  If all of these things are true, then go ahead – in full and certain knowledge of what you are, tell me that only those who have something to hide fear this legislation.

Welcome to your future. It will be very quiet, and you will be afraid to say anything, thankful that your lives are so dull and uninspiring that nobody would ever want to watch you. Let’s hope the rest of them don’t find out about what happened that night you got really pissed, eh?

What we all did to Jade, and what we continue to do to ourselves voluntarily from moment to moment, is effecting us all in terms of what we are prepared to accept. Unfortunately for you, you can’t afford Max Clifford. People at large are only going to here about what you do when it’s awful. When you make that mistake. Already people are afraid to step ‘out of line’ where once they roamed freely and without worry. They are afraid to fight for their rights, to go on protests, even just to write or publish material like this. They are afraid, for god’s sake, to join already existing unions, fearing that they will be seen as ‘troublemakers’ by their employers. (these, lest we forget, being the institutions that got us holidays, fair pay and decent working conditions and a whole host of other things we now consider normal. I could write for hours on that one). People are (rightly or wrongly) afraid to publish and say what they think, afraid to protest, afraid to reveal anything real of themselves. They tortured innocent people in Guantalomo Bay. And most of us knew, and did nothing. Why? Is there part of us that knows that if it can happen to them, it might happen to us? This is not more freedom that these structures are providing. It is a symptom and a cause of isolation and paranoia.

You need to fear your government, because they are no longer afraid of us. If it told you that there was a small group of people who had the power to do anything at all they liked to you or anyone else, and that it was in their interest to convince you to agree with everything they said, you might rightly think that I was paranoid. Unless, of course, you already knew that I was describing the government. Of course you should be suspicious of them. It is your duty as a citizen to monitor and critique those who think they are fit to rule us. You wouldn’t let them read your mail, so why let them read you email? Yes, your address is a matter of record, as is your phone number, so anyone can, in theory, send a letter to you or telephone you. But you’d want the contents of those communications to be private, wouldn’t you? Would you if they said it was to prevent terrorism and organised crime? Who the hell do they think they are, and how stupid do they think we are?

ITS UP TO US. I think now that most Facebook users have heard of someone who has left their account. We all could. There’s a petition too, both on Facebook itself and on the ten downing street page. Go sign it. It is this quietness that we have that will take away our lives and nothing more.

posted by admin at 6:25 pm  

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Lars Ulrich might think I own half of Yorkshire

Why might Lars Ulrich, the drummer of Metallica, think that
I own half of Yorkshire? Well… because I told him I did as a joke, and I don’t
know whether-or-not he knew I was joking. Which singular strangeness only begins
to describe the weirdness of yesterday in the vaguest of terms. As narrative
cliché would have it, it all started with a phonecall.

My friend had won some tickets to a Metallica gig in an
online competition, and was told to get himself to the venue a three of hours
later. The venue being in Newcastle, two hour’s drive away. If he got there by
five, we got to meet the band. Not knowing anyone else who has ever liked
Metallica that can get there in time, and not fancying the drive much himself
anyway, he asked me if I’d like to go. I haven’t really listened much to
Metallica since my teens, but big bombastic rock bands like that are always
excellent live, so I said yes, showered, shaved and jumped in the car.

It’s only really at this point that it starts to occur to me
what’s about to happen. Metallica are the foundation rock upon which the brooding
and expansive church of modern metal is founded. They are unlike any other band
in the world, a huge institution, really. Whether you like Metal or not – I still
like to dip my ears in to the heavy stuff now and again, a flirtatious relationship
that will doubtless annoy the more evangelical types of all persuasions, but I
care not – Metallica are a group that command a certain level of respect. Some
of the lyrics are a bit daft, and the whole thing has a rather indulgently
juvenile and unashamedly male feel to it, and this puts some people off, but in
many ways this is one of its greatest strengths. Metal, and rock music in
general, has had a tendency to disappear into tail-swallowing pretension for as
long as it has existed. When it doesn’t, it has tended to be so silly and
shallow that it can be easily dismissed into amusing cliché. Metallica has trod
this fine line for years, with varying degrees of success, but they have never
entirely toppled one way or another. They can do an album with an orchestra and
get away with it somehow, yet still jump about singing a song about
difficulties falling asleep. The reason they can get away with it is two-fold.
Firstly, in terms of musicianship, they write tight riffs with clear, driving
themes, (and play them impeccably – they really are very serious about it).
These are peppered with interesting rhythmic breaks and compelling solos, and
accented well by Hetfield’s voice; but at the core it is this strong rhythmic
work, that keeps you engaged. Secondly, it is the sheer joy of it. They put on
a fantastic show, know how to deal with a crowd, and how to motivate and focus
their fans without having to just distract them. It’s impossible not to want to
join in. Their stage presence is awesome, and you watch the band, not the
lightshow. It’s music to join in with rather than just listen to. You move and
mosh with it, pump your hands in the air, chant, scream and sing along with it.
If you ever put the album on and sit their quietly trying to analyse the music,
you’re missing the point. Get caveman – those energetic, darkly aggressive
revelry bits that come drifting up to the surface when you hear heavy rock –
those are part of you too. Those feelings are not intrinsically bad. You don’t
have to do it all the time, but let yourself be in that way now and again.
That’s what Metallica is for.

We meet a little group of people who are going to meet the
band outside – they’re all seriously hardcore fans. My friend looks like a
part-timer by comparison. I’m only just stealthy enough to pass, and decide
early on to keep my gob shut lest my lack of obsession expose me as someone who
doesn’t have ‘Metallica’ tattooed upon every neuron (and is thereby undeserving
of such honour). A helpful guy runs off to get us programs, so that we can have
something to sign. We’re taken to a room full of odd-looking cases – it turns
out to be the Metallica laundry room, and the things that look like amp cases
actually contain washing machines. We are told a few rules by a man I can only
assume is the Metallica tour manger. He’s so efficient, direct, authoritative
and firm that I feel like a private soldier trying to follow the instructions
of a five-star general. Most of which involve standing still and waiting. It’s
good that he covers that so thoroughly, because there is going to be a lot of
it. Some of the people in the room are clearly massive Metallica fanboys, quivering,
one seeming excited right from the core – a deep excitement that only normally
manifests momentarily in children. They want this moment to make them feel
fulfilled. Others more serious-minded enthusiasts, feeling deeply honoured to
meet their heroes, one guy has picture from a gig that Metallica played in the
eighties in Newcastle, that he had attended. I feel like a fake, and have to
keep reminding myself that ‘earning’ experiences like this is a ridiculous lie
that fans tell themselves. It wouldn’t stop them hating me, though, even though
I have actually seen Metallica before, and enjoyed them, the mere fact that I’m
capable of bringing my critical faculty to bear upon the band would be enough
to find my corpse in the Tyne in the morning, flesh mostly gnawed away from the
bone.

We patiently await the whim of the band’s dispositions. I’m
closes to the door that they emerge from. It’s all quite awkward from my
perspective, and I think from theirs too. The new boy of the band Rob Trujillo,
comes out first. He’s immensely likable, and seems pretty relaxed, but I really
don’t know what to say to him beyond ‘alright man, how are you doing?’ The
whole thing just feels a bit awkward. James Hetfield’s next – he is a big lad,
likeable, if a little intimidating. I exchange a few more awkward words. Some
of the others ask him a bout tattoos and such. I know enough about him to only
ask awkward questions, and so refrain once again. He leaves and eventually Kirk
Hammett turns up, we exchange a few more strained words where I accidentally
answer a question wrongly and from that point neither of us knows what to say.
Kirk seems the least comfortable with the whole thing. I can’t say as I blame
him. It’s one of the oddest situations you can put two people in, and the assumed
disparity between us informs our interaction. I know his first name. They
recognise the futility of even asking for mine. I am one of the little people,
they are walking gods of rock, shinning stars which I should feel grateful to
simply behold. This is the assumption of the situation, not, I feel, either of
the people involved; this is the way it has been arranged, and there’s nothing
that my self-respect, nor their humility, could possibly do overcome that.

Then I turn to see Lars Ulrich has popped his head through
the door. He decides to amuse himself, me and the others by engaging me in a
jokey manner. He immediately breaks into character as a Metallica fan, and asks
me. ‘Is this where I come to see the band? Are they here?’ I do my best to play
along and reply. ‘Yeah, Kirk’s in here.’

Staying in character he says ‘Oh, is he the drummer? I want
to see the singer. Has he been here yet?’

I giggle, pleased to have been invited into a joke, and cock
my head. ‘Sorry, mate, you’ve missed him. He was here a while ago, but he’s
gone now.’

‘Oh damn it…’, and so it goes on. Eventually he breaks
character and enters, but the banter continues. ‘So, this is like, the oldest
building in England right?’, he says, now playing the idiot American character.
I’m not quite quick enough to keep up and mumble something I can’t remember.

‘So, is this your backyard?’, he asks me. I don’t realise
that this is just his way of asking me if I’m from Newcastle, and think he’s
still making jokes.

So I reply, ‘No, but I do own half of Yorkshire.’

Had he been American, I’d have probably never made the joke,
worried about the fact that he wouldn’t get it, but he’s Danish. He must have
got that I wasn’t being serious, surely? We have a little conversation about
the inaccuracies in the film ‘Braveheart’, and then he asks me if my ancestors
we the ones who helped to defend the walls against Wallis, and I laugh it off
saying that I have no idea about my family that far back. It is only at this
point that I realise that he might have taken my ‘owning half of Yorkshire’
comment seriously. Lars moves onto my friend, and I’m left to ponder. He gives
everyone a fair turn, is very likable and amusing, and then goes off to do his
thing.

And then the girl in charge told us something else we hadn’t
known. The tickets we’d won gave us one more special privileges. There were
four of us that would get to ‘walk the band out’. By which they meant that we’d
walk them from this oddly custodial little antechamber to the edge of the stage
through a kind of tunnel of fans held back by barriers. We were told to go off
and watch the support acts for a while (as this is Metallica, of course, one of
the ‘support acts’ is Machine Head – a band that can fill large venues all by
themselves), then present ourselves at the backstage door at half-passed eight.
I wonder for a moment if I should give my place to one of the hardcore fans,
then consider how unusual an experience this is going to be for me and dismiss
the notion as ridiculous. Nobody should pass up something like this. Play the
cards that are dealt you.

It was certainly the oddest thing to happen to me for quite
some time. We arrived backstage at the appointed time and spend the next twenty
minutes dodging crew as they move huge quantities of equipment about with a
mixture of muscle, shouting and controlled aggression. We then await the band. Again
Lars is the one to try and put us at our ease. The others are all game-face.
Kirk does a few press-ups. James some kind of meditative prayer. We are handed
torches, and are told the rules once again, of which there are few. We still
don’t know exactly what we are about to do. I keep thinking – does Lars think I
actually own half of Yorkshire? The band goes into a huddle, crouched down,
dedicate the gig and focus. It’s an oddly private thing, and I feel like a
terrible voyeur. Then we’re off.

We are mixed in with the band and security, trotting along,
and then suddenly all is screaming and flashing lights. Hands from the crowd
reach out and grasp at me. They want to make contact with Metallica, but can’t
and I am a confusing proxy they can reach, not the right thing, but in the
right place. It’s exhilarating, strange, and more than a little frightening. It’s
briefness and intensity, it is stamped upon me like a series of still
photographs. I really don’t understand how, doing that every night, the band
are as sane as they are.

Then we watch the first three tunes from within the barriers
before the pyro effects mean that they have to dump us back out into the crowd.
It was intense, it was joyful, and I appreciated it greatly. The rest of the
gig passes as these things do. A mixture of wonderfully teenage manly
excitement and the Nuremburg Rally. I owe my friend a debt of thanks, and the
price of a programme. I also owe the Metallica boys, and their management team
and everyone else a thank-you too, for letting me see a brief snapshot of the
madness. And perhaps, just maybe, I owe Lars an explanation.

posted by admin at 7:21 pm  

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