Throw your shoes, and snowballs too.
For me it all started with that falling statue of Sadam Hussein during the most recent Gulf War. I, along with millions of others watched them pull that statue over. I watched as the crowd turned nasty when they idiotically tried to tie the stars and stripes over his face, but then the fun came. It topped over and the Iraqis jumped on it and started hitting it with their shoes. Classic footage. I was told by those that know that its an old Arab tradition. I thought at the time that we in the west should adopt it. And seemingly, we have.
Then Muntadar al-Zaidi threw his shoes at Bush during a press conference in Iraq. I loved that. I mean, I really loved that. Only a shame that Bush is so good a dodging stuff – still, the point is made by the throw, not the impact (sorry, idiotic right-wing Americans – throwing shoes in not attempted murder unless they have grenades in them. You’d only kill someone by throwing a shoe at them by accident – a really very freakish accident). If you’d like to relive that rather wonderful moment, here’s a link – http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/7782884.stm.
Now Wen Jiabao (Chinese premier, in case you don’t know) has suffered a similar fate whilst giving a speech at Cambridge. Despite the annoying (and rather embarrassing, internationally) stereotypically Cambridge ‘privileged-brats-messing-about-in-a-cap-and–gown’ flavour to it all (link – http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7866636.stm), I thoroughly approve.
Yes, it’s the latest (well, if you live where I do) and most wonderful way to show that you despise someone – throw your shoes at them! In England we have a couple of traditions regarding flour and eggs, and custard pies. We’re not the only one who like that last one – the Belgians like it too. Remember Brian Keegan and Remy Belvaux? No? I bet you remember when they smacked Bill Gates with a custard pie, though (if not, here’s a link – http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MSyAZO2v8kY). I bet you remember John ‘Pie Bulimia’ Prescott take those eggs to the face too. Relive that here – http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=JhCc2f53v0w. I still like all these, and I wouldn’t want them to stop. Pies are especially good. After being briefly embarrassed by you, your victim can eat your projectile to help them feel better. There really is something more overtly political about shoe-throwing, though, and it’s not just the Arab tradition. It conjures ideas regarding placing of someone beneath you, in the dirt of the ground, amongst the debris and filth of the street. They are common objects too, sudden impositions of everyday reality hurtling towards those that would set themselves apart – and the more expensive their suit and haircut, the better these contrasts seem.
Throwing non-lethal projectiles is really a very good form of protest. How much did you enjoy it the last time you saw some pompous arse get walloped in the chops with a snowball? I hope it was mid-sentence – that’s the best moment. It gets the point across, but better than that, it also makes your opponent look foolish – by the way that they choose to handle it. A ‘Big Johnny P’ punch to the face reaction told us a lot about the man. More than anything else, it’s the humanising of them that’s important. These are just people. Like you. They are not Gods or Superheroes, nor do they have any more right to tell you what to do and how to be than anyone else. And it shows that your side of the argument has a sense of humour. It’s a punchline. Spiritually similar in delivery as a bomb to Bahgdad, but with nobody actually getting hurt. And the sillier and less harmful it is, (and the worse and more disproportionate the reaction), the better all this is demonstrated.
This ties in rather well with the weather, I’d say. What better non-lethal weapon than the snowball? And with our ludicrously pathetic (actually, rather shameful) lack of coping with the weather, we have some time on our hands. So – stop whining about the weather like you don’t have a lovely comfy centrally-heated home. I have a much better way for you to spend your time.
Are you at a loose end today? Are you ‘snowed in’ ? (If you live in London, this probably translate to you as ‘has more than a millimetre of snow settled yet?’ – I think The City of London has a total of one snowplough and three kilos of salt to share amongst you all). Well… you’re not working now, are you? Get a pair of gloves on. Put a nice warm coat on. Think of someone you don’t like very much who lives within walking distance. Preferably someone in the public eye. A politician, ideally. Or a banker – they seems like the best target at the moment. Pop stars… no… CELEBRITY CHEFS. They really are a very annoying bunch (message to celebrity chefs: You just cook quite well. You are not Jesus). Go and find them. They’ll turn up for work, I’ll bet you. Pelt them with snowballs. Take some pictures while you do it, then get the video up on You Tube or some equivalent asap. Fantastic. Now – I realise not all of us a going to succeed, but if enough of us try, then we’ll get all the most annoying one. You know: David Cameron. Gordon Ramsey, Jim Davidson, Boris Johnson, Peter Mandelson (oh, doesn’t he just make you want to claw your own eyes out every time you accidentally catch sight him?), Jeremy Clarkson… that idiot ‘Howard’ who sings chirpy little songs about finance on behalf of the Halifax; you know the type.
So let’s start a tradition. Every time it snows, these smug buggers will suffer. And you’ll feel better too. Eventually they might realise that they aren’t all they think they are. Or not. Either way, you’ll feel better, and you’ll be giving people all over the world a good laugh too. And the worst that can happen is that you’ll have gone for a walk. If you get bored, why not start a snowball fight in the middle of town?
Oh, and when the snow melts and you all have to go back to work, don’t worry if the opportunity to throw something just falls on your lap. Most of us, most of the time, have a pair of shoes at our disposal.